can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
