I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
