Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize
