White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize