It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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