I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize