Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
