Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
