The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
