omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
