I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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