Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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