how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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