Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
