How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
