Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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