Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
