I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize