I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your penis caused this!
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