I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
