There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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