im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
