i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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