dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
