Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
