I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
