My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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