well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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