If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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