i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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