My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize