Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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