Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
