I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
