I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
