that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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