All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
