It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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