Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
