her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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