my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
