I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
