??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
