Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
