Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
