I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
