That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
