is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
