I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
