So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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