I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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