I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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