If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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