im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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