Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
where are you?
Hypothermia
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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