Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
