He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
