Farmville is her only friend.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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